REQUIEM FOR KRISTIN LANG - RECEIVER OF COUGAR KITTENS
Her eternal sleep and blackened sky
tell us there's a tear in God's eye.
For gods weep and goddesses cry
when the most courageous of us die.
She was the most beautiful of us all
and the most skilled with the ball
Why o why did she have to fall.
Angels tell us she heard the call,
the song that gods sing for the best,
to those of us who are blessed,
with skills and heart
being the best at their art.
Rest in peace Kristin Lang.
We know you'll make a bang,
and claim your deserved fame
playing the eternal game.
--------------
Kristin Lang, Amazon receiver of Cougar Kittens, +1 ST, +1 AG
- Slain by the Blood Bowl loving crowd in a match against Jungle_Boogie after a push-back by Akantha Brazenface of Jungle_boogie -
Here's Hoffard Gozell with a quick report from the opening match of the Valhalla Cup's fourth season! The match was an all-amazon match between the two time champions Jungle_Boogie and second year team Cougar Kittens. If this match is an omen of things to come, we'll have a violent season ahead of us! The game opened with Jungle_Boogie kicking off. The Boogiers started strong, shifting their defence to almost perfect one when the ball was in the air. Kick landed straight into hands of Kittens' veteran receiver Kristin Lang waiting at the left middle of the Kittens' side. Kristin caught the ball after a bit of fumbling and made a short sprint to the right where she was guarded by her teammates. At the same time the violence erupted at the line of scrimmage. Scavo Huffman started the massacre by knocking out a Boogie linewoman. Teri Susan - the blitzer who is working hard to earn the title of the most violent player - followed with a blitz that ended up with Jungle_Boogie blitzer Toxophice carried out badly hurt.
Jungle_Boogie responded by stunning Kitten blitzer Eva Gabrielle and trying to take Teri Susan down without a result. Then the sky erupted and a giant fireball slammed right at the centre of five Jungle_Boogiers! Three were stunned and one knocked out. Match officials later reported that they have apprehended certain Mr. Putter, student at a nearby college of Wizardry, and are questioning him regarding this unfortunate incident. The fireball slam was followed by Teri Susan knocking out Andromeda Evadne. Then the crowd erupted, half of them shocked and half delighted, when Linewoman Jennifer of the Kittens made clearly fouled Akantha Brazenface, stunning her seriously. Referees however didn't seem to notice anything.
With four players already out from the Jungle_Boogie and the rest of the Boogiers laying on the ground stunned, it was clear that the first half was over. Kristin Lang ran to the endzone and waited there while her team-mates laid punishment to those few Boogiers who tried to get up. Most noteworthy incidents were the continous fouls committed by the Kitten linewoman Jennifer. Two of the fouls were clearly spotted by the referee, but he did nothing which have caused some speculation if some kind of monetary compensations were involved. Kristin Lang scored right at the end of the first half, 0-1 for the Cougar Kittens.
Kittens still had to kick-off the ball once to the Jungle_Boogie. But Boogiers were not interested in playing ball, instead they consentrated on punishing the front line of the Kittens. This resulted in Kittens' linewoman Alyssa suffering an injury that at first seemed to be niggling but was skillfully handled by the first of the two extra apotecharies that the Kittens had hired for this match.
The second half started with 10 Jungle_Boogiers taking the field against full team of Kittens. Boogiers quickly evened the numbers by knocking out the linewoman Cameron. Then the Kittens second hired apotechary was needed as the blitzer Scavo Huffman suffered a couged eye injury. This was fortunately healed fast and Scavo returned to game later. Ball was picked up by Andromeda Evadne who ran it to the left flank. Kittens response came from Teri Susan who blitzed Akantha Brazenface and succeeded knocking her out of the game. Rest of the Kittens formed a tight line at the centre. But Boogiers were not coming through the centre, instead they blitzed the left flank and ran the ball to Kittens side. Kittens responded fast by covering the route to the goal and taking down some of the covering Boogiers. Then some more violence ensued! Anae Bright Moon of the Jungle_Boogie blitzed Cameron and for some time it seemed that the linewoman was left dead on the field. However, the Kittens' trusted apotechary Hugh House once again saved the day by getting Cameron back to the bench and later on to the field. With another Kitten knocked out at the same time, there simply weren't enough Kittens left to cover Andromeda Evadne securily enough. Andromeda had to made an effort but she managed to score the tying TD when half of the second half was played.
The fourth kick-off of the day was an extremely accurate punt to the extreme left far corner of the Kittens half. Kittens receiver Lana Kreuk was first to reach the ball but she fumbled the pick-up. Luckily all of the Boogiers were far away at the centre field where Kittens had succeeded in taking down the front line of the Boogie defence. Then Akantha Brazenface made a beautiful blitz and took out Teri Susan who was hurt badly.
Meanwhile Kristin Lang was taking her turn in trying to pick up the ball. She fumbled a bit in the pick up but finally succeeded and started to run along the left edge, protected by her twin sister Lana Kreuk and linewoman Christina. First Jungle_Boogiers to respond were Akantha Brazenface, who ran as fast as she could and then some to cover Kristin, and the touchdown scorer Andromache who tried to blitz Kristin. Unfortunately for Boogiers she slipped at the last moment and stunned herself when she hit the ground. Christina and Lana quickly joined forces and managed to push Akantha back so that Kristin could get away and run away from this fearsome star player. Unfortunately she was left unguarded when linewoman Anne failed in her block, taking herself down along with the victim of her block. Boogiers quickly took advantage of this and swarmed Kristin. But this time the gods smiled on Cougar Kittens, Akantha only managed to push back Kristin and the Kittens still had a chance. But then Anne made another one of her special blocks that resulted both herself and defender being knocked down. Boogiers once again had the upped hand. Akantha pushed Kristin out of the field, straight into the fan section of the Jungle_Boogie. Kristin was beat unmercifully and when the official finally managed to pull the receiver to safety, she was found to be lifeless. As all three of the Cougar Kittens apotecharies were already occupied, nothing was to be done. Kittens star receiver Kristin Lang had died! And to make it worse for Kittens, the crowd threw the ball right next to Jungle_Boogie player on the line of scrimmage. She picked up the ball, made a short a sprint and threw the ball to receiver waiting at the scoring distance. The receiver sprinted for the goal and for a moment it seemed like the Boogiers had the game. Then she slipped. Right at the goal line! Kittens Eva Gabrielle tried to make a final block, but the loss of Kristin had left it's mark and instead of a boogier, it was Eva who was knocked down. Then the ref blew his whistle and the game was over. Tied game 1-1 with casualties going to Jungle_Boogie 4-1. An entertaining game, I'd rate this 16 out of 20 in entertainment value. Condolences to all of the Cougar Kittens who lost another team-mate and especially to Lana Kreuk who also lost a sister. This is all from Hoffard Gozell from the Jungle_Boogie Stadium.
----------
Off-character comments:
One of the most lopsided matches I've ever played. First half was extremely lucky for me, with all the first turn's blocks succeeding and all but one block braking armor. I fouled unmercifully with the help of two bribes. Luck was also on my side when Wizard knocked down 4 out of 5 Krim's amazons and that was practically the first half.
Second half evened out the luck, I had spent my rerolls by the fourth turn and then my blockess linewoman naturally got a skull / both down dice two times a row. At the same time Krim's girls were laying down some serious smack. I used three apotecharies to save a two serious injuries (one niggling) and death. Would've needed the fourth apo to save my +ST/+AG star receiver from dying on the final turn... Quite mixed feelings about the match because of this. Bit of my luck returned at the end when Krim only managed a push-back on my ball-carrier even when he used a reroll and finally when Krim was robbed of a TD by a failed GFI.
That was one hell of a game!
First time the boogies let 3-4 rounds go without making a single move .. that 1. half was really something 0)
Den of Dragons - Lotsa Stompin´ : 2 - 2
Good game Oller, tight game with a fair result...
One less greenskin to worry about as Thin Lizzie got the career started with a kill and was therefor elected as the MVP, the birth of a new star player!!!
I bet elf flesh taste much better... ;)
A sweet, maybe a tad bit bitter, but nevertheless a sweet game. ToFex80's skinks mostly avoided a trip to the boot factory quite nicely, this time... Plenty of herpin' and derpin' with bad moves on my part, but managing a tie against them scaly reptiles was more than adequate enough. Plus I didn't mind delivering some tasty casualties as well. Footface shall be remembered as a greenskin worthy of his name.
A match filled with joy, shock, grief and relief. A fitting kick-off for the season!
Konna-Staffan 0-1
Cas 4-5 !
A bloody game with a lot of injuries. Konna brought 2 extra apots and used them well !
My TGs pushed forward in the second half and stole the ball. My thrower picked it up and made a run for it and made the only TD in turn 14 !
Thanks for the tough game staffan! The brothers were glad to survive your mighty punching and the sheer quackery of the extra apothecaries. One of them would have killed a badly hurt player if I wouldn't have stopped him in time while another almost broke the ogres neck when trying to mend his gouged eye. Good thing Nuffle was feeling benignant towards us after the brutalities of the previous match.
MY DAY AT THE PLUDDING OWL MATCH WITH ME MOMMY
by Agatha Sweetybunny, 6 years old
Last night my Mommy told me that she was going to see a pludding owl match and that I could go with her as she would not ever again want to see that little harlot of the babysitter in our home. I asked me Mommy what a harlot was and she told me that it was a lady who was very very nice daddies even though she should not be so nice to daddies as mommies did not like it. I think I am a really big harlot because I love my daddy so much! My Mommy told me that I would probably like the match as there would be lots of furry mice playing the game and I really like furry animals! I really really really really love them! Mommy also said that there would be pretty ladies playing and we would say good things to them because they are my Mommy's favourity pludding owl team.
The pludding owl match was really noisy place and there were not any owls but there were lots of people who knew very many words that I have never heard before and I just can wait to tell them to my teacher miss Prune. She is very wise and I want to see if she can tell what those funny words like grotchsucker and cunty bitch mean. And then Mommy got me Ice Cream! And Candy! And I also got a Fancy Hat that said Cougar Kitten in it and my Mommy said that I would some day surely be the prettiest Cougar ever and would have no trouble founding pray. I do not know what Mommy ment but I am sure it was nice as she said I am pretty. There were also lots of pretty ladies standing on the grass as Mommy had said. I counted them all and there were two hands and one finger in all. And then there were Furry Cutey Cuddly Mice Men! They were standing on the other side of the grass and there was also two hands and one finger of them. Then there came a man who pretended to be a zebra but I knew he was not zebra because he did not have a tail and he carried something that he gave to one of those pretty ladies and my Mommy said that it was the ball. But I think Mommy is wrong because I saw clearly that it was not a ball but a pointed prolate sphredoid made out of some kind of animal skin material. But I will say it is a ball because my Mommy is the bestest Mommy in the world and she is right in everything. Except when she says that I can not have Ice Cream anymore, then she is being a big meany!
The pretty lady who got the ball threw it in the air and then kicked it! It flew all the way to the side of the grass where the Cutey Cuddly Furry Kissy Mice Men were standing and landed near the side of the grass. Then the Cutey Furry Kissy Mice Men started running and bumping into the pretty ladies and I got scared and almost started crying when one of Furry Cuddly Mice Men who my Mommy told me was Deedle Blade which I think is a pretty name hit one of the pretty ladies who my Mommy told me was the kicker Maria which I think is even prettier name and then the lady Maria's neck went all funny and and they carried him fast out of the grass and I was really worried as I could not see her anymore. But my Mommy told me that her favourite team had this really clever and good doctor Hugh who had fixed her and that she was not dead anymore. I did not know what dead was so I asked my Mommy and she told me it was the place where my Furry Cuddly Kissy Huggy Hamster Mister Funny Whiskers had gone when I had hugged him so much that he had gone all limpy and quiet.
There was also one big Mice Man who was not as pretty as the other Furry Cuddly Mice Men and Mommy told me he was called Ratatosk which I think is not a pretty name and he also bumbed into this pretty lady who Mommy told was Anne and then they also carried her out from the grass but she would not come back as my Mommy said she had been Badly Hugged. I did not know that you could hug someone badly. I think I will never hug badly as I am a really good hugger! While the other Cutey-Cuddly Furry Mice Men were bumping into pretty ladies there was this one really Tiiny Cuddly Cutey Furry Kissy Huggy Mice Man who ran to pick up the ball and then I think he did not like it very much because he then threw it away to another Tiny Cuddly Lovely Furry Kissy Huggy Mice Man who started to run really fast towards that side of the grass were all the pretty ladies had been standing but then there were not so many pretty ladies anymore. One of them who my Mommy said was Courteney was carried out because the not so cute Furry Ratatosk had bumbed into her and Mommy said that Courteney would not probably play in the next pludding owl match where the pretty ladies would play. The Cutey Cuddly Huggy Mice Man carrying the ball who was called Nifty Swifturs which I think is a really funny and pretty name ran very close to the edge of the grass when this pretty lady who was Teri Susan caught him and bumped into him and he fell down and dropped the ball but then he got up after one other Cutey Cuddly Furry Kissy Mice Man had bumped into Teri Susan and she had fallen down and then Mister Swiftfurs picked up the ball and then the zebra man blew his whistle and half of the people started saying nice things and the other ones like my Mommy were very angry and were saying something I think is not nice. My Mommy said that the pretty ladies were now down one to nothing but that now they would get the ball.
But the pretty ladies did not get the ball even though the Cutey Cuddly Furry Kissy Mice Men kicked it to them because then the Furry Kissy Mice Men started running very fast and Mommy said that the little buggers were blitzing during the kick-off. I do not know what that means but the Mice Men started to bumping into pretty ladies like they had done before and of the Furry Kissy Mice Men ran to the place where the ball was coming but then the ball bounced of the Mice Man's head and landed into ground where there were lots of Kissy Huggy Furry Mice Men around. Then the pretty ladies started bumping into Furry Kissy Mice Men but then this pretty lady who Mommy said was the new catcher Jennifer Cameron tried to bump into one of the Furry Cutey Cuddly Mice Men and they both fell down and then they carried Jennifer Cameron out from the grass and Mommy said she would not also play in the next match of the pretty ladies. Then one of the Furry Kissy Cutey Mice Men took the ball but then one of the pretty ladies bumped into him and he went down and was carried also out and Mommy said he was Kei Ou which I think is funny name. Kei Ou dropped the ball and then another Furry Cutey Mice Man fell on the ball and it bounced onto yet another Furry Cuddly Cute Mice Man who took it. But then he tried to bump into one of the pretty ladies and I think he did not know how to do it well because he fell down and dropped the ball. Then one of the pretty ladies who was Cameron picked up the ball and started to run to the opposite end of the grass where the Furry Kissy Mice Man had ran earlier. And she ran very fast and she got into the end of grass in the Nick of time as my Mommy said. I think Nick is the man who comes to see Mommy when daddy is not home because Mommy screamed as happy sounds as she always screams when Nick is visiting when Cameron got into the grass. Mommy also said that Teri Susan was really awesome and had helped Cameron like really really much by bumping so hard into the Cutey Cuddly Furry Mice Man Guy on the Coach that he had to carried out and Mommy said he had pinched a nerve.
Then the Furry Mice Men and pretty ladies went away and we and Mommy went to get some more Ice Cream and Candy and Mommy bought herself a grown-up soda because she said she needed something that is stronger than woman. I think that means that Mommy needs a man because Miss Prune told us in school that men are stronger than women but that they are also horny little pigs that should not be trusted. I was thinking really hard about this but I did not have enought time to understand it as the pretty ladies and Furry Cutey Cuddly Mice Men game back onto the grass. The Furry Kissy Mice Men again kicked the ball and it flew out of the grass and then it was given to this pretty lady who Mommy said was Lana Kreukk and she started running and the pretty ladies and the Furry Cuddlies started bumping again and I got really sleepy and then I heard loud noise and I saw that Lana Kreuk was standing at the end of the grass holding the ball and my Mommy was really happy and I was really happy because Mommy was happy. Mommy told me that the pretty ladies had been bumping so hard into the Furry Cuddly Mice Men that there were now eight Kei Ou Mice Men which I think is funny because I thought you could not have same name as other people but maybe Furry Cuddly Cutey Mice Men are different. Mommy also said that Teri Susan Badly Hugged one of the Furry Mice Men and Christina had been very bad because she had hugged two Furry Cutey Cuddly Mice Men so hard that they were now dead.
Then the pretty ladies kicked the ball again but there were only 3 Cutey Cuddly Fluffy Furry Kissy Huggy Mice Men on the grass and nobody did not get the ball and the zebra man blew into his whistle and we went home and Mommy was really happy and was singing really loud and I was happy and was also singing really loud as I had had very very bestest day with Mommy and I had seen lots of Furry Huggy Fluffy Kissy Cuddly Cutey Mice Men and lots of pretty ladies in the puddling owl match!
----------
And now that the child in me (and maybe also my feminem side) has been satisfied, here are the somewhat clearer comments from the game between my Cougar Kittens and Rotty's Flying Boom Bats BK:
First half started bad for me. The very first or second block almost killed one of my girls but my trusty apotechary managed to safe her. Rat Ogre Ratatosk was on fire, getting two casualties (Badly Hurt and Serious Injury) on the next two turns. Gutter Runner got the ball and scored on the 4th turn and game was 1-0 for the skaven. Rotty got a blitz at the kickoff and I was sure I would soon be down 2-0. But then the luck turned and I managed to get enough rats down to pick up the ball and ran it for the equalising TD at the 8th turn. On the second half tables turned even furher. Rats were getting stunned all around, one of my linewoman killed two rats and when I scored on the 14th turn, there were 8 rats knocked out. Only one got out and as Rotty had only three rats to put on the LOS, the game was practically over. 2-1 for Kittens, Casualties 5-4 also for Kittens.
Lol !
Thanks for the great re-cap Reedy. Almost made the loss bearable :)
You ain't a Terry Pratchett fan by any chance? I this was a book I'd bet it was Pratchett who'd written it. You should go pro as a writer.
Cheers,
/ Rot
Quote from: Rotty on September 24, 2011, 01:12:38 AM
Lol !
Thanks for the great re-cap Reedy. Almost made the loss bearable :)
You ain't a Terry Pratchett fan by any chance? I this was a book I'd bet it was Pratchett who'd written it. You should go pro as a writer.
Thanks for the kind words Rotty! And you guessed it right, I'm a Pratchett fan, I've read all his books except for the latest one, I Shall Wear Midnight, so I'm sure there may be Pratchety signs in my writing although I'm not conciously putting them in :)
I have no time to strive for the quality of J-Reedys reports, but here's a short review of the Necro Norvegicus vs Virgins No More match:
The already injured High-elves lost one of their loners to a LoS block early, making it a bit harder for them to successfully hem in the Necros advance. Still, after some initial wrassling and positioning, the HEs got hold of the ball, but after a series of failed dodges and GFIs lost it again, allowing the Necros to do a rather risky dodge + handover without any RR left for a TD by werewolf Henrik Rip-Zen.
2nd half was a lot more evenly matched luck-wise, except for the VNMs Blitzer who, having gotten treatment from the teams Apo the first half for a mere scratch, ended up stuck with a broken collar bone. He had already managed to score a TD, so the Necros wasn't sad to see him go. The Elves had scored in round 12 and thus the rest of the half ended up with a scrum at the side of the LoS after some risky hijinks involving a ghoul with super slippery hands.
All in all a respectable match that probably would have been a win for the High Elves for sure if not for their rotten luck in the first half.
Thanks for the game, The Golden Arrow!
Btw, I couldn't see any SPP/level gains in the team management screen. Does the match have to be validated first?
Yeah, it has to be validated, done now.
Thanks for the game to you as well, was a bit bummed to miss the first TD on a double one gfi and give it to you instead, but that's nuffle for you :)
Also, on two games, not a single skill and one blitzer down, maybe I will break even in three games :P This team will take for ever to skill...
Ahem.. Thanks for the match ToFex that was ..quite a ride ;)
JerXou,
Thanx for the... whatever it was... lesson in skull cracking!
can´t even recall the last time I was this unlucky for a whole game, even the weather gods were laughing in my face...
at least I got a mercy TD in the end, guess it´s me that should be happy with the result anyway, a 2-1 loss for the dragons.
congratz JerXou!!! ;)
Have you ever tried to wash clothes stained with sticky goblin snot? Or even worse, snotling blood or Nurgle rot? When you play hard, you're clothes are bound to get dirty. But fear not! There's a detergant that's as harsh to stains as a dwarven referee to a fouling elfen blitzer! Try the new Magivaporizer from Weasel Triplets Detergant Company LLC (Limited Liability to Customers). Guaranteed to get rid of stains! Magivaporizer, the official washing detergant of the Hillbilly Trollops, the famed all-female-Troll team!
AND that was a message from our main sponsor for today's Valhalla Cup match between amazonian Cougar Kittens and human Other Brothers! Magivaporizer, the only sane choise for all you true Blood Bowl fans! I'm Brick Fastrabbler, your commentator for today's LIVE match. The opening ceremonies are almost over and tems have already lined up. Cougar Kittens will have the first attempt at scoring with Other Brothers kicking off. We have some absentees for both teams, Other Brother's Ogre will miss this game and so will two amazonian linewomans. This will mean that brothers will have a go with 11 players on their roster and Kittens with 12 women. Should be a even match with both teams... AND HERE'S THE KICKOFF! Ball lands on the right center quite deep behind the Kittens line! Here comes Lana Kreuk and she got the ball up effortlessy! Rest of the Kittens are laying down some smack, brothers flying around but they're landing softly, looks like the gals are taking it easy. Lana is on the move! Dashes straight up the field but she is stopped at the line of scrimmage by strong Brothers line so she goes right! Brothers continue absorbing some punishing Kitten blocks and are going down but are quickly back on their feet and they manage to shift their defence to the right flank! Lana stops, looks around and backtracks back behind the centre line! AND NOW WE HAVE SOME ACTION! Lineman Pauli of the Brothers took down linewoman Cameron and she is being carried out! Looks like quite a bad injury, but probably nothing serious, we'll surely see her in the next match. Now the Kittens have cleared the right flank and Lana again shifts direction and now goes right again! Brothers are fast to respond, Veli Punapaita just took down Teri Susan, hopefully that don't come back to haunt him later, Teri is known for being able to both take and receive punishment.... AND Pekka Puukko just ko'd Kitten blitzer Marcia Bree! Kittens are loosing players fast, they'll have to come up with something fast! They're bunching up close to Lana, protecting the ball, Lana has almost stopped moving but she is inching forward... THERE'S THE OPENING! Teri Susan just laid a thundering blitzblock on Veli Punapaita. Punapaita is OUT! Badly hurt if I'm not mistaken! I told you you shouldn't mess with that gal, she has fists of thunder and boobs like.... Ahem.. Lana is going for it! She's almost at the goal line with Teri protecting her! But here comes Pauli to the rescue! This stalwarth lineman is really on fire today! Lana goes down, looks like she's ok but the ball is loose and it bounces to the stands! Fans of both teams are fighting for the ball and there it goes! And it hits the turf almost at middle of the field, close to Brother's goal line! Thrower Akseli Koskela runs to pick up the ball and he gets it! AND HE IS GOING FOR A PASS! IT'S A FUMBLE! Luckily for brothers the bounces to Pekka Puukko standing next to Akseli! Pekka has quite an amazed expression on his face, I think even he didn't think he could catch that ball as he's known for being the most clumsy player on the team! And now he's seeing stars! Teri Susan got to him lightning fast and Pekka is carried out knocked out! The ball bounces to Teri and she's got it! She's dodging away from Akseli Koskela and she did it! Here comes Unni the Blitzer for Teri! Scrambling for it and here's the block! HE IS DOWN! UNNI GOES DOWN! Teri takes down the supporting Brothers player and now she's gunning for the goal just a short dash away! IT'S A TD! KITTENS GO UP 1-0 with the first half just about to end! There's enought time for one kick-off but really nothing else so we'll take a break here and get back when the second half is about to start! Stay tuned, you'll get s lots of exciting and valuable info from our sponsors during the break!
Are you having trouble with your neighbours? Are those bigger ogres at school bugging you? Is the harlot at the local watering joint hitting on your man? Have those nasty sauruses invaded your favourite pond and refuse to leave? Is your favourite NUL team getting beaten by those nasty veteran teams? Solution to all your bully problems is as close as your local representative of Hexthejrerk Hags Incorporated! Just look for that small hayroofed wooden hut in that little clearing in the scary forest near your village or hamlet. We'll put a stop your worries and hex on your enemies! Guaranteed to work within two weeks of the next full moon after the hexing. Milking cows and strawberry pies accepted as down payment. Hexthejerk Hags Incorporated - your solution to getting back at the bullies! Member of Hexhags Group.
WE TROLLS BEAT ROCKS COMPANY! WE GOT YOU ROCKS! ALL YOU NEED! BIG ROCKS! FOR YOU! WE GET THEM FOR YOU! COME TO US! WE GET YOU ROCKS! YOU PAY! YOU GET ROCKS! YOU NOT PAY YOU GET ROCK ON YOU HEAD! ROCK ON IT!
Has your hair started falling out suddenly? Did your cattle dry up shortly after you had driven off that bothersome farmer whose house spoiled your view? Has your mistress gotten a sudden rash of warts? You could be hexed! Lots of succesfull and more hansdome individuals have been lately targeted by hexes by the envious little buggers that keep on bothering the more well-to-do honest men. But don't worry, there's a way to get rid of and also to protect oneself from those annoying and sometimes even life-threatening hexes! Just contact your local representative of Hex-away Hags Corporated. Located either at the center of that scary little swamp or on that little island at the middle of that small threatening looking lake near your local village or hamlet. We'll counter every hex put on you! Guaranteed to work within two weeks of the next waning moon after the anti-hexing. Also continious protection hexes are available on a continous order basis. Hex-away Hags Corporated - your solution to getting rid of hexes! Member of Hexhags Group.
Were back! Second half of the Cougar Kittens versus Others Brothers Valhalla Cup match is about to start. There was a nasty incident at the last kick-off of the first half, Other Brothers knocked down the front line of the Kittens but the Kitten players managed to hit the ground softly. But then Moltti the lineman laid one of the most blatant fouls on the prone linewoman Anne! Anne suffered a broken jaw and will miss rest of this match and probably also the Kittens' next match! The foul was really blatant which is proven by the fact that even the referee spotted it and Moltti will sit out rest of the match in the penalty box! This means that Others Brothers have only 8 players able to take the field, as the knocked out Pekka Pukko is still unconcious. Cougar Kittens are also one player short with the fore-mentioned linewomen Anne and linegal Cameron out for the rest of the game. Cougar Kittens are already ready to kick-off and here goes Maria! It's a long boot to the deep right flank. The Brothers' thrower Sen Veli is close by and has no trouble picking up the ball. He hangs back for now, watching how rest of the Brothers will do in blocking. Looks like 2 harlots are down but they're getting up fast and the Brothers are being blanketed tightly by the Kittens! The amazons are really taking advantage of their woman-advantage. Lots of pushing and shoving, nothing really happening here... Here goes Sen Veli! He's running to the line of scrimmage guarded by two other Other Brothers! It's a blitz! Teri Susan is coming for Sen Veli and she's looking fast and furious! Sen Veli takes the hit and stumbles back but manages to stay on his feet! Brothers try hard to hit on the amazons but the Kittens are not easy and refuse to go down on them! There goes the Brothers' blitzer Unni, he pushes back the gal guarding him and now he's trying to dodge for the Sen Veli's support! Ooof! He stumbles down and was almost knocked out! Looks like he managed to swallow some potion provided by team apotechary just before loosing consiousness and now he's lying on field catching his breath. There comes the block for Sen Veli! He goes down! The ball is loose! Takes a bounce and stops on the feet of two amazon gals! Here comes the amazonian catches Lana Kreuk... She got the ball and is now gunning for the goal with all her speed! Here team mates are forming a tight line between her and the opposing players, only brother close enough to catch her is Manu but Marcia Bree has her sights set on him! And Manu goes down! Nothing can prevent the TD anymore barring some really bad luck, as there it's a clear route to goal for miss Kreuk and nothing but fellow amazons close to her! Brothers try to get physical but no results there and now it's just couple of steps... TOUCHDOWN! The score is now 2-0 for Kittens! Still time for kick-off and an off-chance for goal! Teams line up fast and there's the kick! The ball lands to right. Sen Veli gets it runs to the centre. And catcher Pauli is braking free and going deep! He is all alone in the Kittens side of the field! He's inviting pain! And there it comes! IT'S ONLY A PUSHBACK! There are three amazons guarding Pauli but Sen Veli is still going for the throw! It's a nice pass Pauli should be able to make a try for it! INTERCEPTED! WHERE DID SHE COME FROM! Lana Kreuk caught the ball just as Pauli was about to get his hands on it! That's the game! No time for anything else! Well, looks like Lana and Eva Gabrielle are playing with the ball, Eva got a hand-off from Lana and now Eva is trying to toss it back to Lana... HAAHAA! Eva fumbled the pass but managed to catch the ball herself! That's entertainment folks! OK, there goes the whistle! The match is over. 2-0 for Cougar Kittens, casualties tied 1-1. We're running out of time, so see you next time! And remember, Magivaporizer may not wash away your troubles but it'll surely get rid of those nasty stains!
-----------
And here are the coaches comments:
One of the most even matches I've ever played with regards to dice luck. Both had their normal share of skulls (maybe Konna had one or two more) and armor brakes were coming with normal intervals. Tight game on the first half, Konna played good defence and managed to take away the ball. Got it back and managed a last turn TD. Konna started the second half with 8 players against my 10 and that proved to be just too much of an advantage. Konna had to take lots of one dice blocks at one point and then one failed dodge (might've been a go for it) put the game tightly onto my hands. Good and fair game, thanks again for the match Konna!
Thanks for the hard game, J-Reedy! Really thought I had you on the first half, but then I had to spoil it all by trying something the humies aren't built for. Also please oh please never stop writing such beautiful stuff here or in the weekly reports. It's always a lifesaver.
OK, me and ToFex just had one of the strangest games ever with no less than 2 blitzes (one each) and two thrown rocks (both on him, one of them injured a saurus).
My dice were awesome and his sucked which meant that I managed to win the game 5-1 and also win the casualties 5-1, including a dead skink and a dead saurus (who skulled himself out) as well as an armour break on his strength-broken saurus (from the rock). While one of my block linemen misses the next game.
I got so much SPP it's crazy (I think it's between 25 and 30 SPP with 5 touchdowns, 4 casualties and a couple of passes) and got 5! skills, some on players with no SPP before...
Well thanks for the game ToFex, or sorry might be more appropriate...
Holy crap, commiserations to ToFex, that sounds uncannily like my game against JerXou on MD3.
If it's any consolation, your next game will be against me who has got a massive 2 levels on players and lost both a zombie, a ghoul and a wight during this season, so at least we should be at somewhat the same level.
Is it just me or have this season had a lot of seriously skewed matches? I'm just hoping that the Necro Norvegicus can save enough cash to get wight #2 before next season...
- Don't like the look of this crowd Weepy.
- Whatcha mean coach, looks like a good turnout to me?
- Yeah, but there's too little leering or catcalls for such a big crowd even though our garls are out there doing their stretching. They're the Cougar Kittens for god's sake, the sexiest team to play the game god dammed. There should've been at least two calls for doctor to come fix popped out eyballs by now...
- Gee, ya right boss! I didn't notice that, guess that's why ya're the big honcho and I'm just a waterboy. But why are they so quiet?
- Well, that's NattBowlarna we're playing today - the best and the meanest undead team out there. They have a hell of a lot of fans and I'm guessing that hell has an off-day today. There are more zombies in the stands than behind an average McDeaths' counter.
- Dont'cha worry coach! They can't hurt us from the stands! There' goes the whistle!
- What was that you we're saying Weepy?
- Where did that rock come from?! Scavo is stunned, she's out cold!
- Probably that big mummy in the middle of the section B, row 6, only one strong enough for that kind of throw... Oh bugger, there he goes...
- Who? What! What happened to Courteney?
- CALL THE MEDIC! One of those new temps we got for the game! It was that bastard Simon Stenrumpa, fouled the poor girl so hard she's gone out cold!
- Boss, boss! That new apotechary tried to kill Courteney! Luckily Hugh got there in time, but he says Courteney will probably lose some of her strength permanently!
- Great... And now that buggerin ghoul has the ball, should've kicked it further. There he goes, if Cameron can just take Kling down now...
- She did! Oh...
- Yep, no help if she goes down too. Stunned herself. And there's another stun. And another.
- Little Jimbo didn't manage stun Teri!
- No... BECAUSE SHE WAS KNOCKED OUT! And there's the handoff, just as expected. How are we supposed to get the ball away from that wight? Can't see from here. Do you see which one of the wights it is Weepy? not the one that has the leg muscles of an elephant sewn in to replace his biceps?
- Ya' right boss! That's Molle Stålvass, it's really easy to tell him apart because his arms are thicker than his thighs!
- Bony bastard. Oh for christ sake!
- They threw Zara to the stands! To the B section! What's happening?
- That buggering mummy again, I swear he must've been planted there...
- Coach, coach! Hugh says that Zara has a broken neck! No chance to him to try to fix her up, she won't let anybody but her personal physician touch her! She's out of the game! What will we do?
- Well, for now we'll try to get Scavo up and running. Lil' Jimbo just knocked her out. Oh, and tell Hugh not to waste time on up Christina, looks like Pebblebasher only managed to hurt her badly, she should be OK for next match. And prepare to kick-off the ball again.
- Why? Oh, Molle scored...
- Was to be expected, girls just don't seem to be able stay on the field today. Ok, how many can we get out there Weepy?
- 10 sir! And less than half a half to go!
- Buggering bugger. OK, here's the plan Jennifer Cameron picks up the ball and we cage it at the middle field. If we don't get a chance for score right away, we just keep the ball close to sidelines and out of reach of bowlers. OK women, off you go and do me proud!
- Good pep talk general! Look, they're doing just as you told!
- But there goes Lana down, she was only one close enough for score. OK, time to play time. They need a bit of of luck to get the ball out now.
- Look, it's Molle again! He pushed Jennifer Cameron to the stands with the ball!
- Where did the ball go! Who's got the ball?
- There it is coach! Landed just next to that zombie deep in their half! No worries no boss, he'll never get it up!
- Rotten corpse got it up, can't believe it!
- Don't worry boss, he'll never manage an accurate pass!
- That's a perfect throw right there...
- Dont'cha worry boss the ghoull will...
- SHUT UP WEEPY!
- Look, he fumbled the catch! Just as I said coach, no worries!
- There goes the whistle. OK, Weepy, you hold the fort for the break now, I have some business to attend to.
- Sure thing Coach!
- Coach, coach! Where are you! They already kicked the ball to us! Oh there you are coach. Are you OK? You look a bit tired.
- No problems Weepy. Here. Take these. Tell the girls that we got some extra soft toilet paper to use as a generous gift from the crowd.
- Toilet paper? But these look like linen wrappings. And they look like they're used. And old. And this one has some funny looking hieroglyphs or something.
- Just do as I told. That's toilet paper now. And we shouldn't have to worry about any rocks no more. What's happening Weepy?
- We got a full team out there coach! And J-C caught the ball straight from the kick-off! She's now running the left middle route as you like it!
- Ok, looks good. Buggering bugger. Who was that?
- Lana sir! Looks like she is knocked out!
- They're starting the trashing again. Ok, Weepy, go pull up that red flag I gave you to that post.
- How high sir?
- As high as you can get it.
- Sure sir! It's up there, just don't know how that'll help us. GEESUS WHISKERS! What was that?
- Oh, looked like a fireball. Must've had a volcanic explosion out there somewhere. But don't worry Weepy, it just took down those two undeads. J-C should be able to squeeze through that hole now!
- Right ya're boss. She did! And there's Teri Susan to cover her and Eve Gabrielle. Just need Anna to make that dodge and we'll have a tight cage around her! No worries now boss!
- Shut up Weepy.
- It's not my fault she stumbled! And there's no reason to worry boss! They'll never get J-C down!
- Shut up Weepy.
- Nothing to worry boss! J-C wasn't hurt and they didn't get the ball! It's laying next to Molle the wight and Pebblebasher the ghoul! Teri Susan can take one of them down for sure! No worries.
- SHUT UP WEEPY!
- Can't understand, she never ever fails her dodges, there wasn't even a tackler out there.
- And now they make a double play, great... Well, at least the ref spotted that foul.
- Double play? What! Coach, coach! Both J-C and Eve Gabrielle were hurt seriously! Hugh says Eve will get a niggler if he doesn't do anything.
- Yep, have him fix her up. Did they get the ball up?
- Ponu the Greedy got it coach! The ghoul! He's gunning for the middle! But don't worry, Marcie Bree's there to cut him off. No worries!
- Please don't say that Weepy...
- They managed to get her down somehow. But don't you worry boss, they're making a handoff now and everybody knows that zombies are not agile enough for an effective ball handling coach!
- That's a ghoul handing of to wight Weepy. I'm off, I'll be back after we've kicked off, tell the gals to practise some passing play.
- You're off boss? But the play is still on coach! We still have a... Oh, they scored now.
- Coach, coach! Where are you? Come here! Did you see that? That zombie Stan Stumpen got stunned by a rock from the crowds! That was a beautifull shot!
- Yep, just like in the old days when I pitched for... Oh, tell Hugh to come here and have a look at my elbow, I think I must've overstrained it. Are the girls passing the ball?
- Sure are, Eve Gabrielle just threw a beauty to Maria. But I don't see if there's any point in this coach?
- There's a point in every pass Weepy, you would do well to remember that. OK, it should be over now.
- Right you are coach, there goes the whistle! Sorry that we lost boss, but don't ya worry! We'll still have a chance for playoffs! Just need either the NattBowlarna or Jungle_Boogie to tie a game and....
- SHUT UP WEEPY!
-----------------
And here are the coaches... well not that coach up there but the... well basically I am coaching... getting paranoid here... OK, so here are the gamer's comments:
Even game with the dice, neither side made any big errors and that usually means that the better team wins. So it was 2-0 victory for the NattBowlarna against Cougar Kittens. Flawless game from Mr B., congratulations. I'll just have to trust that the third time we play will be the charm for me:)
Nice one as always! :) ;) :D ;D
I hope the run down in Amsterdam went flawless for you buddy.
Nice to have you back!
Cheers!
/B
From down south they came, the sons of the desert, those who were once forgotten and whom sand had already covered. Those who once with glee and joy played the noblest of all games that was abandonded for centuries. Those who then rose again from the sands when the game of the champions was once again discovered. Those who were once called Khemri and now Staffans Hooligang.
And they traveled to visit those whose beauty the whole world admired. Those who used to dwell in the jungles but who now roam in the fields where the noblest of all games is played. Those who dazzle with both their smiles and skills in the game of the champions. Those who will some day be beasts without rivals but who for now are called Cougar Kittens.
And so it was that the Kittens were the first to defend and so they kicked the ball to those who once were kings of their lands but who now rule the field of Blood Bowl. While the ball flew, the striped one they call the referee got it from the crowd but the one who got the ball was the called Amunis Khopis.
Then the lines of players clashed and fists struck chests, elbows found ribs and shoulders hit together. And the clash was gigantic but only a few were to fall. And the players of the noblest of all games were pushed around but nobody was harmed. And so it went for a while but then the heavens erupted.
And down came fire and brimstone, striking down three sons of the south. What the ball struck was the ground where it was to come to lay. And behold, then there came one of the Kittens they called Marcia Bree who was trusted to guard the ball from the Hooligang. But soon she too struck the ground and she came to lay next to the ball. And so Amunis Khopis was free to rise and take the ball again.
This was the time where the Kittens were in distress with half of their line struck down. But she whom they call Maria would inspire them with a fierce blow. A blow that hurt Nefmat Senut of the once-kings so badly that he was carried from the field of champions. Thus were the jungle women inspired, and Lana Kreuk would strike like a blitz and lightning, and her fist would find Amunis Khopis and he would be knocked down. And again the ball struck the ground and came to lay still. But now there were three of the Kittens to lay vigil on the ball. But then would come those that desert winds once warmed and push the Kittens away from the ball. Then in turn those who jungle cats call friends, would push back and come once again to lay vigil onthe ball.
And so it went for time and time again and it seemed there would be no champion who could win the ball. But the crowds roared when the champion was found. An he was the who once was flesh, skin and blood but who now shows only his bones, the one with the name of Ptahtra Ahasht, the one who would foul and strike Lana Kreuk lying prone on the field.
And she went lifeless and her last breath was seen to leave her body. But it would not be. For it was that the one with skills in the arts of healing would catch her last breath and gently guide it back to her body and she would breathe again and return to play the game of champions.
So the game of blood and fury went, with both sides now thin on players but strong on will. And for a moment it looked that the one with the strongest of wills was Marcia Bree who like a blitzing storm laid a fierce blow on Nesheb of Imhef. And from this blow Neshed would finally find peace. For his bones crumbled to dust and he flew with the wind back to the land of desert. And as his bones struck the ground, they fell on the ball which took a bounce. And behold, there would be Cameron to catch the ball.
But then came he with truly the strongest of wills. He whom the desert once feared and who now strikes fear to hearts of his opponents. The one who had already known the ball and would call it his friend. And he was Amunis Khopis. He sent the guardian of tombs to strike down Cameron and then, so swear all who saw it, he flew to the ball, bend down and and took the ball in his arms. And when he came up he saw Hephis Pahco and with a mighty heave, flung the ball to him. And so true was the pass that there was no chance for falselyhood and the catch was true.
The crowds gave out such a mighty roar that they say it was heard all the way in the deserts of Khemri. And there would be rejoicing for the sons of Khemri had scored. And after the festivity calmed down they still clashed once but then they would let it be, for they saw that time would now be halfed.
Both the sons and daughters rested and gathered strength. And then they returned. To the field they marched once again, onto the grass now stained with blood and sweat. And then the ball flew, but if fell short. And the leader of the Kittens looked who would be worthy to carry the ball. He looked hard into the hearts of the warrior women to see who had the most fire in her and lightning bolts on her feet. And he saw that it was Lana Kreuk.
Again the lines clashed together and as they both now knew each other, there would be no mercy. So fierce was the first blow of the Kittens' that down went a tomb guardian and the whole line of skeletons was knocked off their feet. But the sons of the sun would strike back. And mighty would be their blows. And the one to suffer the brunt of them was to be Anne who was hurt badly. And they would carry her out and she would not return.
While the lines had crashed together Lana Kreuk had run, lying with her feet that she favoured left. But after the clash subdued, she sprinted through the middle and showed that it truly was right that would be her love. And it seemed that she was free as a bird when she ran but then the Hooligang line clashed with the Kittens once again and Teri Susan and Scarlett were knocked out. So opened a lane for the once deads and Lana was caught by a tomb guardian and a skeleton who would guard her closely. She tried to blitz like a lightning and storm but she had no heart for it and she did not get free. For her heart was in running and dodging and that would set her free and that se did. But as she freed herself, she was followed by Mathit the Everlastin, once the guardian of tombs, now the guardian of the goal line. He struck, pushed her back and the crowd gasped, as Lana was about to fall to their grasp. It seemed that even the time itself stopped to see when Mathit the mighty prepared to strike the final blow. And then his fists came down, flying through the air and looking to lay judgement on Lana.
But the judgement day was not to come. For she blocked the blow and sent Mathit flying down to the ground. And then flew Lana with her feet as wings to the goal. And there would be cheers and glory waiting, as the Kittens tied to the score in the noblest game of the champions.
Third time would come to kick the ball and so it was. When the ball landed so did the blows of the Khemri, sons of desert and sun. But the sun was setting down to rest and desert was far. Down went a Hooligang hero and the Kittens stormed forward. Like a swarm of jungle bees and as fast as forest cats they flew to guard the ball and keep those who once breathed away. But it would not be.
For from the lines of khemri Luxro Imhef broke free, ran to the ball and gave it safe haven in his boney arms. And it seemed that the game would end with neither of the sides succeeding to score. But so it would not be.
For there was one with fire in her heart, doom in her fists, steel in her hands, lightning in her feet and fury in her eyes. Lana Kreuk blitzed and Luxro fell. And so mighty was the speed of her strike, that as Lana flew for the goal, Luxro was carried out with ankle so twisted and bend. But this Lana would not see for she only had eyes for the line chalked to the ground. The line that would make her the true heroine of the game. And that line she crossed. And then they cheered.
Back down south they went, the sons of the desert, those who were once forgotten and whom sand had already covered. Those who once with glee and joy played the noblest of all games that was abandonded for centuries. Those who then rose again from the sands when the game of the champions was once again discovered. Those who were once called Khemri and now Staffans Hooligang. Those who had fought nobly but had not availed.
For they traveled to visit those whose beauty the whole world admired. Those who used to dwell in the jungles but who now roam in the fields where the noblest of all games is played. Those who dazzle with both their smiles and skills in the game of the champions. Those who will some day be beasts without rivals but who for now are called Cougar Kittens. Those who had won.
-----------------
Went for the epic feel with this match report as the game really was decided because of the epicly bad dice day of Staffan. During the first half the dice day seemed quite fair and the game was tight. I thought I had Staffan's attack halted but then Staffan managed to score on the final turn with an extremely elegant blitz and passing play. In the second half the epicly bad dice luck struck and Staffan rolled double skulls three or four times and also double both downs with a blockless tomb guardian in situation where push back would've sent my ball carrier flying to the stands. Another sign of a bad dice day were the three casualties I scored, as all the regeneration rolls failed in those (one being the death of a blodge skeleton). Score 2-1 and casualties 3-2 for the Kittens.
REQUIEM FOR MARCIA BREE AND EVA GABRIELLE - BLITZERS OF COUGAR KITTENS
Here they lie, aye, two of them
side by side as on the field
fierce fighter and a beautiful femme
from death they got no shield.
Marcia as brave as any
Eve as courageous as all
admirers they both had many
who cried when they were to fall.
Lightning and thunder
whom with beauty and grace
from life were to sunder
adorned with steel and lace.
Let the heavens tremble and hell shake
for when you arrive and go to play
all those gone before will break and quake
for you will jive and your enemies flay.