Match Day 1 - Matches

[J-Reedy]

Excerpt from Blood Bowl Gazette vol 534 issue 9, p. 34-35:

Editor's foreword: During the glorious run of our esteemed magazine, we have seen many Blood Bowl leagues come and go. One of the newest leagues out there is the Norsca Union League (Bloow Bowl Gazette abbreviation: NUL). But despite the young age this spunky little league has managed to establish itself quite nicely and has now started it's 8th season. Our apprised magazine covers all the running Blood Bowl leagues, so we will naturally  bring you news and results also also from this latest season of NUL. Your correspondent for the league will be Fagronkey Nagrumbundyme, who has just started as a reporter in our highly acknowledged gazette. But be not afraid, Fagronkey has demonstrated that he has deep knowledge of NUL so you will surely get insightful analysis from this league. And naturally, our fine and highly decorated magazine's guaranteed quality management system will make sure that all Fagronkey's articles conform to our high quality standards. For no other magazine uses our patented three-tier quality assurance process where all articles go through three different test-readers. For this reason we can guarantee that our articles are so rock-solid, one might even say granite hard or down-to-big-rock that even a troll appreciates them, so smart that an ogre won't notice when the articles are giving an accurate desciption of the gloryfied excellenty abysmal intellect of ogres (please inform the editorial staff if you notice that an article in our rewarded magazine that has no quips about ogres) and finally so descriptive that even a dwarf will get shivers when reading them. I'm sure that you will all admit that the first article by mr. Fagronkey presented below fullfills all these strict quality standards of our recognized magazine already in the first paragraph of his report.


NUL match week 1 recap by Fagronkey Nagrumbundyme.
Results:


ROCK! SLATE! CHICKEN GOOD! These are just few examples of extatic cries that I heard in the the he first week of NUL from sections of stands that are reserved for ogres and trolls - those magnificent examples of the fact that one can have both brains and brawn. At this point I must remind our readers that NUL games are one of the few places where confession stands serve those delicious fried skink brains. FOOD ROCK GOOD! These cries were especially hard in the match between the Elfy Way and Material Ghouls where we witnessed the first permanent casualty caused by a block. The victim was the Elfy Way's line-elf Tango and the person - or more accurately the empty marionette guided by an extremely twisted necromatic forces - was the undead Material Ghoul's Callista Failheart (you might remember her as the once famous spokesperson of Anorectic's Associated; rumours state that she might finally be satisfied with her weight). The block made my Failheart was so devastating that in addition to bashing in Tango's skull it caused the very golden gold and mithril necklace worn by Tango to fly through the air and smash a beer barrell. The extremely valuable gold and mithril jewelry disappeared into the bottomless sewers below the stadium with the spilled beer before anybody managed to save the valuable. GOOD KILL! In related news, the Material Ghouls announced that they have acquired a promising new skeletal player known by the name of Tango. The Elfy Way were declared the winners in this matchup but the true winners were the fans who wittnessed the death-game of the season.

FUNNY KILL! There was also another permacasualty during the first week, in the game between the elven Partly Animals and the Chaotic Dudes. But this casualty was more of in the vain of comedy as it was caused by the the line-elf John Deer slipping on a big pile of booger that one the Chaotic Dude's beastmen had snorted out few moments earlier. During his time in the air Deer managed to perform a fine routine that involved at least two somersaults, three double-axles and one pirouette. Unfortunately he botched his landing and by doing so also proved that elven neck can't hold the weight of even a slender elf when the elf in question drops from the height of two meters or so. Both teams managed to score two times, so the this game was ranked very high in the entertainment value!

JIGGLY STUFF! In the game between the amazonian Cougar Kittens and human Getingarna we didn't get to enjoy the always entertaining deaths even though the amazons did their best to entertain the crowds. They got knocked-down whopping 17 times suffering two quite enjoyable serious injuries in the process. According to analysis of experts the Cougar Kittens might've been saved from deaths by their natural "paddings". The Getingarna won the matchup 4 to 1 and in his post-game interview the Getingarna coach proudly announced that only once has he seen more efficient hitting on girls - in the after party of the infamous conference that the Gigolo's for Rent Inc. arranged for the Anonymous Nymphomaniacs Association.

SHINY ELFS! BEER GUZZLERS! The high elven team White Fire proved to be the most durable elven team of NUL. They managed to absorb the two casualties caused by the norse Vinterlegionen without injuring themselfs. High elfs also demonstrated their fine ball handling skills by scoring the only true passing touchdown of the week. However, as Vinterlegionen also scored once, the game ended in a 1 all draw. Interesting factoid about about the game was that in this game, according to stadium owners, the in-game sales of the high-end wines and beer exceeded the sales of normal games threefold.

ALL DED! The game with the highest consentration of corpses was the one between the Nurgle team Sweet Sweet Decay and the Khemri Drop Dead Gorgeous. The game proved to be as violent as expected with a total of five casualties. Surprisingly we also wittnessed a pass, made by the Khemri team. Although, some eye-wittnesses claim that the Itkhensatnut Henayt responsible for making the pass might have actually forgotten that he was holding a ball and the ball came loose when Itkhensatnut tried to swat a fly buzzing around his head. This show of surprising agility might be the reason why the Drop Dead Gorgeous managed to upend the Sweet Sweet Decay 0 to 1.

NUL GOOD! All in all the first season of NUL's eight season proved to be as entertaining and exciting as ever! In a matter of fact, this reporter's humbe opinion is that only thing that could compete with NUL in the field of entertainment would be world-famous magicast Blood Sports Spotlight hosted by that dashingly handsome Bloow-Bowl-genious Gron Grumbundy. Unfortunately the magicast has been on a long hiatus due to mr. Grumbundy taking a vacation (rumours about some financial strafe suffered by mr. Grumbundy are just rumours). However, with the absense of this truly magnificent magicast yours truly, Fagronkey Nagrumbundyme, will continue the tradition of insightful expert-level reporting of NUL on the pages of this leading Blood Bowl magazine you are reading! So remember, this column will be your best source for all news related to NUL. This has been NUL match week 1 recap and I'm Fagronkey Nagrumbundyme. Have a week!

Standings after match week 1:

[Luiggi]

Nice write-up, J. Just a sidenote: Tango died victim of a vicious foul, not a skillful block. I'll have my revenge!

By the way, I just saw 3 tomb guardians in the Khemri Team, did they lose one already or it was the starting line-up?

[J-Reedy]

By the way, I just saw 3 tomb guardians in the Khemri Team, did they lose one already or it was the starting line-up?

I believe they only started with 3 dumb guards.

[Mr B]

What's the rush?
We will get there no worries.
8)

And yes, another master piece by J-man Reedy as always to deliver. ;D

[Barmution]

Nice write-up, J. Just a sidenote: Tango died victim of a vicious foul, not a skillful block. I'll have my revenge!

Are you insinuating that performing a fatal foul is less an artform than blocking someone to death? Hmph, I will have ample opportunity to prove you wrong, sir!