PRESEASON TALES AND OTHER BANTER

[J-Reedy]

Got carried away with the S17 recap, sorry for the delay for all those who might've waited it around Wednesday. Here it goes:


THUS IT WAS that on the appearance of the 17th northern moon the northern ones gathered again to find the one that would triumph and wail on those that would fall. And behold the ones that came: The fierce orcs of New Orc Gitz and Tha Freebooterz so determined. The goblins swarmed, the Pirates of Old World coming from sea, tha Zlluga boys running from the mountains and Warpstone Plumbers rising from their underworld caverns. From the mountains the dwarfs came, In search of Snow white, with determination and iron strong will. And chaos also ensued as the ColaChaos arrived and the Mad Science Fair appeared. Even the most northern of the northmen, the Fantasy Armor Inc. came, in their shiny armors and beards a 'flowing. And then the ground itself cracked open and the dead rose again, the NattBowlarna taking the field with fire burning in their hollow eyes. And so it began, the ferocious race for the crown of Norsca Union League...

- Excellent! That's just how it happened, it's like you were there! But I don't quite understand why you put that bit about whaling in there?
- Whaling? Oh, WAILING, well we can change that to something more clearly enunciateable if you want.
- No, no nuns needed. That is fine, just leave it as is. That's very good.
- As I said, sir, just tell us truth and we'll sing it the way it its more advantageous to your purpose.
- I knew that you mad men were good, but that was just beautiful!
- We prefer to be called the brothers of Monastery of Advantageous Detruthing, if you wouldn't mind, sir.
- So, you're a family business? I thought you were like all other monasteries, taking in all who wanted to leave the sexy stuff behind. Well, not all, I hear that those monks from the monastery of the Grinning Happy Blissful Place Next to Heaven have very lax rules about copulation. You know, it's that monastery right next to the nunnery of Voluptuous Nympho Vixens. Very popular monastery that is. But all brothers then? Looks like your mum was busy. Oh, or was it that your dad was a player, you know, all notch, notch, wink, wink? No need to answer, that's family business. So, mad bros, right, got it!
- *sigh* All right sir, that was the prelude as we call it. How would you like to continue? You said you wanted a thorough recap of the past NUL season. Do you prefer going team by team or by match weeks?
- Hmm, what say you Nip... Gippy, by team or by weeks?
- Ahm... I thought there were no bye weeks this season, mr. G...
- BROM! Call me Mr. Brom, don't you forget that, Nip... Gippy! No need for my title of g... ga... gallantriousnessly handsome! All right, let's take it team by team!
- Do you prefer ascending or descending order of success?
- Let's start from the bottom, I do like bottoms, never been a tit man.
- ... Yes... So, tell me who was the unfortunate last place finisher and what happened to them.
- Yeah, that would be the pirate goblins. Let's see, they sailed around and almost got lost once on their way to the match. Played couple of draws, lost the rest. Hired Ripper, that's the star troll player, in case you didn't know, few times, got him killed two - or was it three- times. Let's see, what else? Oh, yeah! They had that troll that scored a touchdown once! And they got their troll killed on the latter days of the season. So nothing special, very goblin-like season. Lots of casualties... on them, couple of nice gobbo toss TDs.
- So it was something like this, sir?

The pirates from the old world, the stormy green menace of all that dare wander on sea, abandoned their ships and swarmed on the shores of north. Bravely they fought, the pirates of blue waters turn heroes of green fields, turning stars onto legends that never die. The true wanderers of seas they played like they sailed, going boldly against the strongest of tides, braving the fiercest of storms, flying through the air like their ships on the raging seas, taking on all that came against and never breaking. But alas, the golden crown of the champion eluded the goblin folk and the farers of sea returned to their home, the sea that raged on like the ever burning fire in their hearts.

- Yes, yes! That's it, that's good. Really nice! Can you do the same to the other goblin teams? I don't remember which one of them finished next, but it was one of them, either the Zlluga Boyz or the underworlders.
- I'm sure we can do something, just tell us about their season, sir.
- All right, the Zllugas... Hmm... They won against the other two gobo teams, lost the rest but came damn close to drawing few of those losses. Got their bomber and pogoer killed. Oh, they dominated passing stats, they really let those bombs fly. Got their trollies starred up nicely, true twin towers those two, Beerbelly and Duh they were called, I think. What else? Do you remember anything, Nip... Gippy?
- Mm... Not much, Mr. Bronk. But my mum said that all those goblin teams had a virgin's chance in brothel getting away intact.
- Well, your mother's always been the sage like in her wisdom. Gobbos had it tough. Like the Warpstone Plumbers, they might've had a chance but they were just getting beaten up right from the start. You see, they started the season against the orcs and got 10 casualties whupped on them. And that wasn't even the highest total, dwarfs injured dozen of them. But still they managed three ties and one win, even though their star blitz rat got killed.
- I think that's enough for us, sir. Take it away, brothers.

Under the ground came the alliance of two with bitterness and hate buried away shallow. One so furry and strong, other so cunning and sharp, they rose from the deep and took the field. Bravely they stood, taking the blows, split among their own, united in their will to win. But with their ranks cracking, came their enemy smacking. Back home to deep was the best among them destined to go, leaving the ranks of the living, joining the souls of heroes past. Fight, fight, fight, was the destiny of these dwellers of deep, but to no avail – though victors once, closely matched thrice, there was no golden crown willing to go deep down.

Waaagh! Waaagh! The keen fighters, warriors vicious, the goblins of Zlluga came a 'yelling. Taking the field the small ones fought along with the two brothers of rock and muscle. Close they fought, ever so close to winning the crown. Champions of air, from above they attacked, raining boom and fire on enemies and friends alike. The cunning little ones flying and jumping, two giants relentlessly smashing and trashing. The best the goblins could wield were the Zlluga, standing tallest among the green swarms. But no, there would be no crowns on the brow of the champions of goblin folk, for the unbeaten among their own, still found victors to their cunning from the north so strong. So back home was the band of war to return, leaving their hunger for crown still to burn.

- Wonderful! Well, I guess it's easy for you to churn out all those beautiful verses with my inspiring thoughts and insights to draw inspiration from.
- I assure, we can get a shine out of any turd, sir. Shall we continue?
- Yeah, let's strike while the iron is hot! ... You know, I never really understood that saying. Why would you strike when the iron was hot? Wouldn't you hurt your fist on the hot iron? Shouldn't it be "let's strike while the iron is soft"?
- I think the axiom you mentioned relates to blacksmithing, sir...
- Oh, you mean it's about blacksmith striking the iron with an axe? Yeah, that makes more sense... Kind of. All right, onwards! Then there were the orcs and dwarfs all bunched up together. Those orcs from the New Orc City had trouble getting over the hump, they tied four times and won once. Guess living in big city softens up the orcs though, I mean these guys had to retire two black orcs and two of them got killed, one of them blitzer. The other orcs, Freebooterz only got their troll and lineorc killed and got damn close to making the playoffs. That thrower of them, Galber, was their true star, faster, stronger and more agile than any orc thrower I've ever seen. Almost won the most casualties award. They only lost three matches, won four. The New Orcers had to forfeit their game against da 'Booterz , I hear it was something to do with a goblin smashing into these two big towers in the city while testing his new flyer, the buildings came tumbling down of course, orc buildmanship you know. I've always said that if you want something build good, call the dwarfs. They could be slow getting there, quite understandable with those short legs and long beards, that's a killer of a combo, real tripalooza. And they might need ladders for all the low-up work but they are reliable and sturdy. Like that In search of snow white team. Do you know that they only lost teams that made the playoffs? They came damn close to making it too. And they were the only team not to get any of their players killed, talk about durable. And they scored second most casualties. Was there anything else? Oh yeah, the New Orcers got an interception! Only two intercepts in the league whole season and clumsy greenskins are the one to get one of them. Can you think of anything, Nip... Gippy? Maybe something your mum said about these guys?
- Ahem... Well, not really, Mr. Bron. Mum doesn't like to talk about orcs 'cause she says she always sees red looking or even thinking about orcs. I never knew that mum was red-green color blind before she said that.
- I see, damn shame. Those insights from your folks are really valuable material. Well, can't help it. Can you make something out of that, mad bros?
- ... Brothers of Monastery of Advantageous Detruthing, if you don't mind, sir. Hmm, maybe something like this...
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Looks like there's a length limit for posts (20k characters, so have to cut this in halfsies...)

[J-Reedy]

The city that never sleeps opened the gates and out came those dreaming of the crown of north. Onto the fields of blood and bravery they arrived, green ones famed for their strength and skin like steel. There stood they like a rock, like the towers of their home dominating the air. No pass went past them, no blow went unanswered. Warriors with heart, so big was their love for their blood that they would not go against their brothers of green. But against all the others, fighting like heroes were the Gitz, never giving up, playing with the heart and brawn. But their fate was drawn, a win hard fought, for the orcs from the city. But as the strongest of them were to fall, were also the dreams of the crown to shatter. Back to the city went the green ones, back to the shadows of giants went the Gitz.

From their halls in mountains came the searchers, from the mountains so snowy and white came the ones that refused to fail. Gold in their mind, iron in their fist, fire in their hearts came the dwarfs. Never yielding they stood the line, giving not an inch. With beards as big as their hearts, the short ones played tall. Not giving in, never hearing the whispers so grim, they played hard and strong. So strong was their will, so fierce their strike, that only to the bravest would they fall. All would fear their might, so many would fall to their smite. But searching are still these dwarfs so brave, for that golden crown they were not to find. Back to mountains, back to their halls must they wander, ever searching, ever striving further.

First thing that was heard, stomping. Boots striking down, advancing. Then they came to sight, the green wave of thirst for fame. Led by the one would throw and block, there were the orcs to take the crown. They took the field and there they stayed. Few could make them sway, but to make them fall – fewer still. Bashing, smashing, crashing, blasting through their foes went the orcs, taking wins, grasping for fame. But still, there were those few. Those few to whom they fell. Last thing that was heard, stomping. Striking down on the ground, stomping freely, were the bootz.

- Just beautiful, almost as beautiful as my sultry voice!
- Yes, your voice really seems quite scorching, would you like some tea perhaps?
- What? No, no. Let's just keep going. We're almost there. Only the four playoff teams left. And you know, three of them went undefeated in the regular season! Those would be the Fantasy Armor Inc., NattBowlarna and Mad Science Fair. But in the end all of them lost that one final match. Chaos Dwarfs looked like favorites going into playoffs. I mean talk about mean streak – those little buggers racked up casualties like crazy. And they were the most experienced team around, all claws and tentacles that team was. And what about those bull centaurs! The most devastating blitzing machines I've ever seen! They got to the finals but got beat there, some say that they weren't beaten by their opponent but by the chaos gods themselves that just refused to give them any favors. They beat the NattBowlarna in the first round and when I mean beat, I mean BEAT. Never seen a first half like that, those corpses were being thrown around like... corpses, I guess. Real surprise as the undead seemed very strong going into the game. Only three draws they played and won the rest. They seemed to be scoring at will, they had the two best scorers in the league and those mummies were dominating the front line. And scoring wasn't even their strength! That was their defense. Do you see how many fingers I'm holding up? That's right, five. And that's just as many touchdowns that those guys allowed in ten games!
- Yes, even we've heard about those two teams, they are getting to be quite legendary in the world of Blood Bowl. But what was the third lossless team then? Strange that we haven't heard about them.
- Don't blame you, as nobody else had heard of the Drunklout's before that big armor manufacturer Fantasy Armor Inc. swooped in, changed their name and made them their mannequins. Dressed those poor norse into those tight leather-thingies that FAI calls armor and then poured so much beer into those guys that they believed they were dressed in iron-pressed full-steel armor. That worked surprisingly well, they got knocked out a bunch but they really weren't hurt by injuries until late into season when they lost three of star players just before the play-offs. Then the ColaChaos finished them up by rolling over them in the first round and killing their star receiver who had won the regular season running title. Yeah, bunch of leather-clad drunks that ended up filling the NUL's graveyard, nothing more. Do you need anything more?
- Well, does Mr. Nip-Gippy have anything to add?
- Ahm... Not really, Mr. Mad Brothers. Well, my dad says that the chaos shorties lost 'cause of an inside job. That the chaos gods had it all arranged beforehand, he said "Ya know, Nip... Gippy, two chaos teams in finals, I'm sure those gods of there are putting all their money on the underdog and laughing all the way to the bank". Dad usually knows about this stuff, but I'm not sure what that dog has to do with and how can you put your money on the dog and under it at the same time. I guess it's some kind of a god thing?
- Yes, that should be enough. Let's see...

They didn't come to northern fields, for they were there already. Northern winds blowing in their beards, the men dressed in armor so fantastic stood and waited for those that were to come for the race for the crown. Beer in their belly to keep them warm, steely-eyed they waited on the fields of glory. One by one came the contenders and one by one they fell. So stood the northern men and held their ground. But so grand was their stand, so striking their pose, that it stuck the eye of the eyeless one, the one that reaps. Grim was the end for the men of north for as their lost those that stood with them so was the golden crown lost to them when came the contender the most fierce of them all. But still they stand, the proud men of north. Waiting for another chance for that crown, never forgetting those of them whom the reaper felled.

Then there were the champions of yesteryears, those who had already owned the crown, the oldest of all the teams. They were those who were once buried, the hungriest of them all – the ones whose thirst for fame even the death himself couldn't quench. So with their armor empty, flesh long removed and bones bare to the wind but eyes ablaze the bowlers of night took to the field. So true was their might, that even the strongest and best of all could only make them flinch, but never lose. And thus they triumphed, holding the field forever, so it seemed. But in the end, one of them had made them flinch came back, like they themselves had come back from the dead, with hunger and strength so raging, with a will so intense, that even the dead were to give in. Thus ended the watch of the undead with the crown slipping past them.

There were none more violent among the northern ones than the hatted dwarfs, the ones made mad by the chaos in their hearts, kept sane by the science in their minds. And now their affair was to come north and their intent to make their fair the home for the fair golden crown. Claws, fists, teeth showing, slowly and surely they ground through, never slowing. Not the strongest, nor the quickest, they conquered the strong and overtook the fast. Rolling onward and over their foe went the fair, with wicked intent. Then they came to see the crown, ahead on the road, so close, there it showed. Only one more roadblock to clear, one more opponent to sear. But though the nature of chaos is violence - violence is prone to follow chaos – chaos is still nothing but chaos. And thus chaos ensued. There was no crown to exchange for their hats.

- Brilliant, just brilliant, almost as poetic as my voice! But I hope you've saved something for the final team.
- So I'm guessing that is the ColaChaos?
- Right you are, mad bro, glad to see you're paying attention! Yep, they took it home at the end, lost two times in the regular season but swept the post-season. Paid dearly for the crown though, got their star goat gutted in the first round by the norse and then lost a warrior and another goat in the final with three more goat getting injured. And they still won it, got the chaos god on their side I guess. They had this minotaur that took care all of the dirty work, scored seven casualties in the opening match. Seven! That's almost as impressive as All Brandy's four TDs in one game in the Shoesellers league. And I swear to you, you wouldn't believe it, but most of those goats of theirs were as agile as elves. That enough for you?
- I think so...

f-F}lowers, /aNVils- + h-A-t-e, g*r&e%E-,n der, r´'e¨d-sy.,words-no( )order=DIS DAT. From above came the flow of chaotic rabble and lightning struck. And then they appeared. The brethren of pure chaos, hooves clip-clopping, horns punching violently through the air, piercing red eyes eyeing their opponents from the slits of the blackened steel armor helmets. Holding a soda bottle in their hands, for they were the epiphany of chaos. Ones that had taken the crown once only to lose it, now to claim it their own again. And so they went to work, the bull-headed one leading the way, swatting their foes away, their line held by the warriors, ones blessed with the soul and mind of chaos. Then came the men turned beast, jumping, dodging, flowing through the ranks of those to oppose them, dancing through with the ease of butterfly and sting of a bee like that of The Greatest. There were those strong enough to beat them, those fast enough to pass them and those agile enough to avoid them. But none to beat them to the crown. And thus it let be told to all that golden crown of Norsca Union League is back home.

- I hope you're satisfied, sir.
- Quite, quite. And now to the most important bit!
- But sir, I thought that declaring the winner...
- Yes, yes, that was a nice prelude. But the most important bit is that you tell the truth about that valiant unsung hero that saved Norsca Union League! That handsome devil who saw that NUL was getting bloated, close to going bankrupt with all the appearance fees it had to pay to those star-packed teams. The man with the sultry voice and mind as sharp as an assassin's knife. I'm of course talking about none other than Gron Grumbundy! The master of magicasts, the Blood Bowl analyst spectacular!
- Amm, and maybe a word about his loyal sidekick Nippy, Mr. G... Bron.
- Yes! The imp-savant Nippy! That brave soul who helped that hero of common folk, Gron Grumbundy, to make the NUL once again the league that everybody loves! I want you to tell the truth about this fine specimen of a man so that everybody knows what really happened!
- Hmm. So you mean that Gron Grumbundy who suddenly disappeared the day after someone broke into the treasury of the Norsca Union League? That Gron Grumbundy who the NUL officials are holding as a prime suspect for the disappearance of almost a ton of gold bullions from the NUL treasury? The man they say forced the league to kick out all of its star teams and star the new season with all rookie teams?
- Oh, you've heard of him. Yes, I want you to end this recap of with tale so touching and true that everybody is forced to understand how wonderful I.... eyes Mr. Grumbundy has and how is the hero in this story.
- That's a tough task, but let us see what we can do...

[hakos]

THE LEGENDS OF BLOOD BOWL, ISSUE NUL18:0

Welcome to this special issue of 'The Legends of Blood Bowl'. As you know, 'The Legends of Blood Bowl' is dedicated to bringing you all the gory details about our, well, you guessed it, legendary players. However, in this special edition series we will focus on the birth of a legendary player. From his/her first steps as a completely unknown rookie on the field until the name is known by all of us. Standing tall, among their equals like Ripper, Morg N' Thorg, Zara the Slayer or Griff Oberwald.

We will do this by focusing on a small but thriving league called the 'Norsca Union League'. They have currently started their 18th season. With 12 teams, all completely new, with only rookies in their line-up it will be the perfect proving ground. A total of 138 players will be followed, ranked and commented on until we have found our legendary hero. Players hired after the start of the season will be ignored unless they do something extraordinary to capture our interest. Who will shine and who will fade away into the darkness of oblivion?

[J-Reedy]

Mad Props to Hakos, nice fluff going on all around the forums!

Also, Da Beatmores wish to wish everybody Merry Christmas with an impgraph from their latest session:

Credits: image edited by J-Reedy from images by Lee Jackson, Targete, Svein Yngve, vercingetorix09 and Michael Cooper


Have it safe and enjoy the holiday season every one!
J-Reedy

[Mr B]

Indeed big Xmas creds to all of you!

[Barmution]

Big x-massy hugs for everyone ;D You guys rock!

-Barm

[hakos]

Merry Christmas and a Happy new Blood Bowl year to everyone !

And, I might have said it once or twice before but it is worth saying again, it is Always a pleasure to read all the entertaining texts from everyone. No matter if it is a match report or something else. That is one of the things that makes NUL so great.

/Hakos

[tags]

[Mr B]

Nice Nice!
X-mas 2014, here we GO!

NUL-Mas to all of you from all of us!

[Gnaarkill]

Wonderful pictures and great entertaining texts!  ;D
Merry christmas to all of you mad NUL-blood bowlers, <3 this league  :-*